Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Whoa 😂
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.