writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”