The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?