[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey