I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
this is the best interaction on twitter
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.