Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind