I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
This kid is going places
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]