Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Catercrombie & Fish
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Something Saturday.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.