ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Saw online –
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one