I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”