IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW