You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Tuesday
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it