If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
You Might Also Like
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao