I am also baked goods
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
#Caturday
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.