Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
You Might Also Like
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Aight bet
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”