the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.