CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won