friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
shampoo implies shampee
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
smartest karate player in the world
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…