at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING