The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home