instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I only look at Wordle for the articles
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?