What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing