Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.