there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”