Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Made something I’m not proud of
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*