[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
find these 10 emoji for no good reason