I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
the short answer to this question
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
OMG 🤣🤣
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping