Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
This could be us… but you playing
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.