Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do