reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”