[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
You Might Also Like
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
6. me as a lawyer
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]