I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m literally crying
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.