From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”