I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Cats (2019)
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.