Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.