[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of