The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat