If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…