I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.