Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
One of the best
when you are just born a rebel
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who