Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Optional boss fight.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
What the dentist sees