If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth