The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me