Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You Might Also Like
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication