Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.