My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
You Might Also Like
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.