I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.