I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”