sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You Might Also Like
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
That de-escalated quickly
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips