the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.